Have you ever been hurt by someone? Hurt so much that you had to cut off the relationship? Or maybe it wasn’t another person. Maybe it was yourself. Those deep emotions can weigh on us terribly. There are times we hurt others or get hurt. This world is a broken place. One thing I have found through life is that holding on to that pain doesn’t help us deal with the problem.
Staying angry or sad doesn’t change the situation. Oftentimes it causes more emotional and mental self-harm. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be sad or angry, especially when there are very real wrongs that have been inflicted on us. A partner cheated, a friend lied, a family member broke our trust or heaven forbid something even worse happened to us. These are hurts that can stick with us and hold us down with heavy burdens if they aren’t released.
A way to release this pain is to forgive. Now I am not here to preach a cheesy “forgive and forget.” Rather, forgive, let go and move on. Forgiveness is not ignoring the wrong. There are certainly many times in my life where I have had to cut off an interaction with someone because of deep rooted pain.
Letting go of the need to control in an unmanageable situation can be best. Sometimes forgiveness is the release we need in order to move on to a better future. In many cases by forgiving one another relationships can be restored and a path is created to reconcile with the person who created the offense.
If we live in the past, we are dead in the present. This does not mean to ignore the wrongness of a situation . There are times when boundaries need to be made. Perhaps that person can no longer be part of your life, or you need to lay out some ground rules perhaps with a roommate.
Forgiveness is letting go. Without forgiveness, even if you remove the person from your interactions, they will always have control over your mind and emotions. Every time you see them you are disgusted or get physically angry or upset. That is control they still have over you. Forgiveness is breaking the control they have over you.
The same is true of self-forgiveness, perhaps there was a time in your life where you were self-harming. Living in guilt does not change the past. You must forgive that “person” you once were and let them go, otherwise that past image of yourself will control you in the present and future. How does one forgive? It starts by acknowledging the wrong that was done. Be transparent about it and be honest with yourself. Don’t hide from the pain, work through it.
After acknowledging the wrong, accept that it happened and that there is nothing you can do to change that. Third, forgive yourself for any guilt or shame you feel. If you are anything like me you often blame yourself even if you weren’t the problem. Forgive yourself and accept any actions that happened on your behalf when the wrong was committed. If you did nothing wrong, forgive yourself for falsely accusing yourself and having that shame.
Finally forgive the person who wronged you, resolve in your mind that this person no longer has any control over you. You let go of the past and forgive. Release them from the heart and mind. There may need to be boundaries. But the past is done and either you move forward without them, or you move forward to restore the relationship.
Either way, move forward and don’t let the past be in control. This is easier said than done sometimes. Although difficult forgiveness gives you the ability to be free of the power that person/wrong holds on you. So, choose to forgive. Choose to be free.
